A Tragedy

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.”

-Oscar Wilde

There I stood on stage, exuberantly bright colored clothing, large, light-fixture sized earrings, necklaces, bracelets, massive rings on my fingers.... and one abandoned curler wrapped up in the back of my hair. I fumbled through my giant purse for framed photos of my children and grandchildren to show the audience, who by this time were laughing their butts off because they knew exactly who I was. "Anyone want a burned compilation cd? I call it my Summer Mix.... ok I will make you one!"

Yes, I was roasting my mother in front of over 100 people. I was cracking myself up. But as it turns out... she's got the last laugh. My wardrobe screams hippie chic, I have piles of mix cds around my house, I can't get enough of photography and I don't think you would ever find me with out chandeliers hanging on both sides of my head. I can never seem to remember what time my next appt is, where my keys are, or where I put that damn $200 deposit! There it is... my greatest tragedy... I am becoming the woman who hears her cell phone ringing and scrambles through her purse to find it only to realize it’s in her bra.

The truth is, the only tragedy is that I am not more like this incredible woman. Strong, deep-rooted, full of soul, shining spirit, a contagious laugh and an ability to truly lay her entire life down for the better of others. Throughout the years my mom and I have had our beefs. We are a lot a like and I am not nearly as self-controlled or poised as she... So, we can get a little fired up! But, as I have gotten older it has become clearer and clearer to me that my mother sacrificed so much to make me happy. She would give me anything! As I watch her with her grandchildren I see it even more! She is such a nurturer. Every night she tucked me in, tickled my back and sang me to sleep. She frequented all the best field trips, she came up with all the best costumes, she taught me what music was, and she took me around the world! She changes the lives of people around the world doing missions and spreading God's love.

One of my best memories of time spent together was shortly after my mom's mother died. We took a trip to Newport, Rhode Island.... A place like I've never been. We spent time talking about all the wonderful things about my grandma... but we also spent late nights out together listening to blues. We frequented shops, went sailing, buzzed around on scooters and toured mansions. The beach was fantastic.... we even made it up to P-TOWN and became a float in the gay parade! ;) The trip was one of the best times of my life.

I love my mom for her style, sense of humor, sarcasm and wit, beauty and love.

Happy birthday and I couldn't think of anything less tragic than if I ended up like her!

Comfortably numb?

Have you ever let time crawl past you and realized you have made it to a new place without even trying?

You go about your daily business and time passes. You get through the really annoying stuff - like flat tires and Tupperware parties. These mundane weeks are seasoned with some special moments of late night laughter and dinners with a best friend. There are loud and fun weekends... full of surprises and stories for later. But many nights are spent quiet and completely lonely. Days when you bum around your house in your sweats(not that I have any) until it's 3:00pm and you realize that you haven't even opened your mouth to speak... NOT ONCE. I spent quite a few nights depressed in the year behind me. Laying in bed staring out a frigid window at an empty parking lot. The only thing louder than your heartache pounding in your ears are the sounds of winter weather outside your bedroom window.

And then one day... you're somewhere different. Somewhere... that isn't the deep dark hole you crawled in after a devastating loss. Somewhere that doesn't hurt as much. Somewhere comfortable. But you don't feel amazing or fantastic. You don't feel utter happiness or perfect peace. YET. Relaxed perhaps... Things are ok. Daylight seems a little brighter. And that big sweaty muscle in your chest doesn't feel quite as heavy. The routine of life has pulled you through. Time was once your enemy... but now, you and time are ok. You've found yourself in a new place. Until life happens, you notice that you feel indifferent. You stop and question, "Shouldn't I feel something? Shouldn't that feel good, or shouldn't that one sting a bit." Maybe I'm numb? Maybe, I'm comfortably numb? Is that ok? As someone who categorizes herself as a passionate person... comfortably numb seems like the biggest sell-out of them all. But maybe this is how the passionate cope.

My deep roots tell me that this is just a phase, a time of healing, a time to get closer to my maker... Psalms 55:22. Perhaps that's what it takes... One foot in front of the other. A deep appreciation and gratitude for all you have… For all the wonderful people and support you have been given. And for all the love you have in your life… and Time... Healing... Maybe I will wake up one day, and be somewhere different. My heart will be overwhelmed with that sense of happiness and fulfillment without even trying.

Let the birds land where they may.