

Have you ever let time crawl past you and realized you have made it to a new place without even trying?
You go about your daily business and time passes. You get through the really annoying stuff - like flat tires and Tupperware parties. These mundane weeks are seasoned with some special moments of late night laughter and dinners with a best friend. There are loud and fun weekends... full of surprises and stories for later. But many nights are spent quiet and completely lonely. Days when you bum around your house in your sweats(not that I have any) until it's 3:00pm and you realize that you haven't even opened your mouth to speak... NOT ONCE. I spent quite a few nights depressed in the year behind me. Laying in bed staring out a frigid window at an empty parking lot. The only thing louder than your heartache pounding in your ears are the sounds of winter weather outside your bedroom window.
And then one day... you're somewhere different. Somewhere... that isn't the deep dark hole you crawled in after a devastating loss. Somewhere that doesn't hurt as much. Somewhere comfortable. But you don't feel amazing or fantastic. You don't feel utter happiness or perfect peace. YET. Relaxed perhaps... Things are ok. Daylight seems a little brighter. And that big sweaty muscle in your chest doesn't feel quite as heavy. The routine of life has pulled you through. Time was once your enemy... but now, you and time are ok. You've found yourself in a new place. Until life happens, you notice that you feel indifferent. You stop and question, "Shouldn't I feel something? Shouldn't that feel good, or shouldn't that one sting a bit." Maybe I'm numb? Maybe, I'm comfortably numb? Is that ok? As someone who categorizes herself as a passionate person... comfortably numb seems like the biggest sell-out of them all. But maybe this is how the passionate cope.
My deep roots tell me that this is just a phase, a time of healing, a time to get closer to my maker... Psalms 55:22. Perhaps that's what it takes... One foot in front of the other. A deep appreciation and gratitude for all you have… For all the wonderful people and support you have been given. And for all the love you have in your life… and Time... Healing... Maybe I will wake up one day, and be somewhere different. My heart will be overwhelmed with that sense of happiness and fulfillment without even trying.
Let the birds land where they may.
Bright lights, new people, large moving machines.
Big stuffed animals, pink fluffy clouds, something from her dreams.
Dust on her sandals but she doesn’t care.
Her mama put purple bows in her hair.
Everyone is laughing and smiles are really big.
Songs are getting louder… her brother dances a jig.
Her little heart is pumping more with every step
So much about this night she hopes she won’t forget
The longest line she sees is the one for red balloons.
The thing she always wanted and never quite pursued.
She turns her big green eyes to daddy; he knows just what she wants.
Not even a word is spoken immediate response.
She waits and waits and waits in line for this new treat.
Tied to her hand, perfect apple red, looks good enough to eat.
All she can think about the rest of the night…
Protecting her new possession… impending fright!
I love my balloon; it is all that I desire
A night full of excitement, only IT lit my fire!
Clenching so tightly to the little white string…
All of these people, not sure what they’ll bring.
Each element proposes feelings of eminent doom.
“Even wind could take my perfect, red balloon!”
Fear swallows her once excited, childish heart.
Anxiety fills her up, every single part.
“I must find a way to keep my precious gift
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, I cannot ever let it drift”
Little hands climb up the string to pull it in her lap
Hugging it tightly to her chest her arms a little trap.
“I don’t ever want to lose you, you mean so much to me.
You’re mine forever and ever, I cannot set you free.”
With each twinge of fear her grip gets a little tighter.
No space between the two, suddenly something bites her…
A big loud noise, POP… her love affair is shattered.
SHE LOST HER RED BALLOON, THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERED!
Her daddy picks her up, “Baby, I’m so sorry that happened!”
Tears roll down her rosy cheeks, she is oh-so saddened
“Daddy, I just didn’t want to lose it… I loved it so very much!”
“Baby I must tell you something you may not fully touch…
The wind is not your enemy, its fear that you should hate.
It’s the one that stole your fun, the joy it would create.
Let’s get one more balloon but this time keep in mind,
Enjoying every moment is your only job this time.”
by Alison Capra
10-08-09